Weekend Update: Trump Announces Deal to End Shutdown – SNL

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American Today News

♪♪♪ >> Announcer: IT’S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. >> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I’M MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I’M COLIN JOST. PRESIDENT TRUMP ON FRIDAY ANNOUNCED A DEAL TO TEMPORARILY REOPEN THE GOVERNMENT FOR THREE WEEKS WHILE NEGOTIATIONS CONTINUE OVER BORDER SECURITY. THREE WEEKS. WE’RE BASICALLY TREATING THE GOVERNMENT LIKE IT’S A TRIAL PERIOD FOR A HULU SUBSCRIPTION. IT’S PRETTY CLEAR THAT TRUMP HAS NOT FIGURED OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH NANCY PELOSI YET. USUALLY, WHEN A WOMAN IS GIVING HIM TOO MUCH TROUBLE, HE JUST GIVES HER $130,000 TO SHUT UP. DURING A SPEECH AT THE ROSE GARDEN ENDING THE SHUTDOWN, TRUMP SAID THIS. >> WE DO NOT NEED 2,000 MILES OF CONCRETE WALL FROM SEA TO SHINY SEA.

WE NEVER DID. >> SHINY SEA. ALSO, REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID THIS? >> WE’RE GOING TO BUILD THE WALL. IT’S GOING TO BE A BIG FAT BEAUTIFUL WALL. >> YEAH, THAT WALL SOUNDS AWESOME. BUT, TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS NEW ONE. >> THE WALLS WE ARE BUILDING ARE NOT MEDIEVAL WALLS, THEY ARE SMART WALLS. >> WALLS WITH BRAINS, GOT IT. >> NOW, SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME PREVIOUSLY, MEDIEVAL SOLUTIONS WERE EFFECTIVE. >> THEY SAY A WALL IS MEDIEVAL. WELL SO IS A WHEEL. A WHEEL IS OLDER THAN A WALL. >> I GOT TO BE HONEST, YOU’RE STARTING TO LOSE ME A LITTLE BIT. BUT WE ARE STILL CALLING IT A WALL, RIGHT? >> BARRIERS, FENCES OR WALL.

OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT. >> HONESTLY, AT THIS POINT I’D LIKE TO CALL IT QUITS. >> ON FRIDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP TEMPORARILY REOPENED THE GOVERNMENT. AND I KNOW YOU ALL ARE TWEETING OUT, TRUMP CAVED. BUT Y’ALL GOT TO CALM DOWN. YOU DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING YET. STOP GLOATING. THE MAN IS STILL ONE TWEET AWAY FROM DECLARING A STATE OF EMERGENCY AND BRINGING BACK SLAVERY. YOU GOT TO TREAT HIM LIKE YOU’RE TRAINING A DOG. WITH CONSTANT POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT. MAYBE EVERY TIME HE DOES SOMETHING YOU LIKE, TWEET OUT, WHO’S A GOOD BOY? >> ONE OF THE FACTORS THAT LED TO TRUMP MAKING A DEAL WAS THE GROUND DELAYS THAT WERE BUILDING UP AT LaGUARDIA AIRPORT.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FAILING AS A PRESIDENT, WHEN YOU SOMEHOW MADE LaGUARDIA WORSE. THE GROUND DELAYS OCCURRED BECAUSE THE SHUTDOWN WAS CAUSING WHAT AIRLINE INDUSTRY UNIONS CALLED, A LEVEL OF RISK WE CANNOT EVEN CALCULATE. WHICH ALSO HAPPENINGS TO BE THE SLOGAN FOR SPIRIT AIRLINES. >>> ROGER STONE WAS ARRESTED AT A.M. FRIDAY MORNING BY A TEAM OF OFFICERS WITH HEAVY WEAPONS. FINALLY. THIS IS ALL I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, OLD WHITE DUDES GETTING DRAGGED OUT THEIR CRIB LIKE DOPE DEALERS. WAS IT EXCESSIVE? YES. AND I WISH IT WAS WORSE. I WISH HE WAS JUST WEARING BOXERS AND A DURAG. I WISH THERE WAS A BABY CRYING IN A CAGE WITH GIRLS, GIVE HIM THE WORKS. >> YES, LONG TIME TRUMP ADVISOR AND BUSINESS BABADOOK ROGER STONE HAS BEEN CHARGED BY THE SPECIAL COUNSEL’S OFFICE ON SEVEN ACCOUNTS INCLUDING OBSTRUCTION, MAKING FALSE STATEMENTS, WITNESS TAMPERING AND I ASSUME THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF BATMAN. STONE, PICTURED HERE AS AN OLD WOMAN, BEING TOLD THERE’S NO MORE ROOM AT BINGO, LEFT THE COURTROOM TO FACE A CROWD CHANTING LOCK HIM UP. FIRST OF ALL, IT’S ALWAYS FUN TO WATCH A PRESS CONFERENCE ON MUTE WITH THE CAPTIONS ON AND THEY SAY “CROWD BOOING.” SECOND, DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TO HATE YOU FOR THEM TO SHOW UP JUST TO BOO YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORK DAY? THEY FOUND OUT YOU GOT ARRESTED THAT MORNING AND THEY IMMEDIATELY CALLED THEIR OFFICE TO SAY, “YEAH I’M GONNA BE LATE. I GOT TO HEAD DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE AND YELL AT STEAMPUNK LINCOLN.” >> THE WHITE HOUSE SAID THAT THE CHARGES AGAINST ROGER STONE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP.

I MEAN, OF COURSE THE WHITE HOUSE IS GOING TO SAY THAT, BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE IS THE PRESIDENT. I MEAN, IF I GET ACCUSED OF SOMETHING, I CAN’T BE LIKE, “MAN, I’M INNOCENT, JUST ASK MY APARTMENT.” IT IS KIND OF STRANGE THAT EVERYBODY TRUMP’S WORKED WITH HAS BEEN INDICTED OR LOCKED UP, EXCEPT FOR HIM. WHICH TELLS ME HE’S EITHER HE’S A RAT OR A JINX. BY THE WAY, I GOOGLED THIS GUY, ROGER STONE, BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE HE PAYS BLACK GUYS TO BATH HIS WIFE. AND I FOUND OUT IN 1996, HE WAS 230RSED TO RESIGN FROM BOB DOLE’S CAMPAIGN FOR ASKING BLACK GUYS TO BANG HIS WIFE. I’M NOT KIDDING, LOOK IT UP, IT’S FANTASTIC. I KNOW AS A BLACK MAN, I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO FEEL OFFENDED OR A LITTLE APPRECIATED. .

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