JIMMY FIRECRACKER(he dosen’t gives a fuck): Folks at home… …we here at ZTV *do not* condone child violence! We will, however, continue to bring it to you live in high-definition all thanks to our sponsors at HETAP: “When you’re feeling sapped, bring the TAP!” Gohan’s father: Goku. Dumbass: Don’t worry, Piccolo. At some point, Cell’s hand is going to cramp up, and then Gohan will— GOHAN: GOKU : Oh God, FEET! Gohan! Look out for low kicks! Turtle, son! PERFECT CELL: You’re quite a treat to knock around, kid… …durable like your father, but soft like your mother. But if you think the only way to win is to not play, I have news for you, brat: …You’re playing the wrong game! GOHAN: PICCOLO: Gohan, DOD—! KAMI: ‘You must be so proud.’ NAIL: ‘Your precious runt is becoming a man.’ PICCOLO: ‘Yeah, but…’ ‘…I mean, he could be dodging better.’ JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Good gravy! This eleven-year-old child is currently fighting for his life! Methinks the Make-A-Wish Foundation has gone too far this time! PER.
CELL: Game over, kid. GOHAN: JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Dear sweet merciful *God*, I think… …HE’S DEAD! Can we show that on network television? I-I mean… we’re live, so… OX KING: Sweetheart, remember! You have another one coming! ♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫ ♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z) ♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~) ♫ Sparking! ♫ PER.
CELL: Soooo, which one of you wants to try and describe the word “filicide” to Goku? I’d ask Gohan, but… I’d ask Gohan, but… well, he’s been “filicided”. TRUNKS: I’m actually not sure what it means either. KRILLIN: I think it’s when you murder a pony? PICCOLO: IT MEANS GOHAN IS DEAD…! …AND IT’S YOUR FAULT, GOKU! HE’S DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!! GOKU: YO, GOHAN! Stop hiding your power level and come on out, you goof! GOHAN: CELL : Oh, goody. GOHAN: C-can I say something? PER. CELL: I’ve been humoring you this entire time anyway, so why not? But if you’re looking to exchange barbs, I’d recommend cutting your teeth on something simpler first… …like that embarrassment over there. MISTER SATAN: Leave me out of this! GOHAN: I know why I’m here.
I know why my Dad threw me to the biggest wolf in the woods. CELL : Oh, trust me! I’ll huff and puff and blow you down. KRILLIN: HE’S ELEVEN! PER. CELL: I’M SIX! KRILLIN: Wow(!) GOHAN: It’s because whenever I get backed into a corner… I snap. And when I do… …I hurt people. PER. CELL: Well, like, uh… …w-what do you do to ’em? GOHAN: When I get angry… when I lose my mind… …my power skyrockets and… everything goes red. The world around me just… fades away. And all I can see is the person I want to kill. Of course, I’ve never actually managed to beat anyone in the past, but… …I think my Dad knows that… …if I snap here… PER. CELL: Let me guess… …”you’ll kill me”? GOHAN: You said it, not me.
PER. CELL: PER. CELL: Well, threaten me with a good time! GOHAN : Huh?! PER. CELL: At first, you had my curiosity… …but now you have my erection. GOHAN : You mean your attent—? PER. CELL: You all know what I’m about! KRILLIN: That’s Freeza’s move! The one he killed Vegeta with! Remember that, Vegeta? VEGETA : I was there. KRILLIN: You should really watch out for that. VEGETA : Didn’t Freeza blow you up?! KRILLIN: Whoa-ho-ho, yeah! VEGETA : “THEN YOU SHOULD REALLY WATCH OUT FOR THAT!” That’s you. KRILLIN: …Team Three Star? VEGETA : No! YAMCHA: What’s that? YAMCHA: What’s that? Is that a club? YAMCHA: What’s that? Is that a club? Can I join?! VEGETA / KRILLIN: NO! PER.
CELL: So to be clear, when you break, I die. Is that the gist of it? GOHAN: That would be the process of events, yes. PER. CELL: Well, then… let’s see which breaks first. GOHAN: GOKU: ‘Just according to cake.’ PICCOLO: In this endless pile of hay, Goku, THIS is the last straw! If you don’t go out there, your son— your flesh and blood will die! No ifs, ands or buts! GOKU: But— PICCOLO: NO BUTS!! GOKU: But— PER. CELL: Speaking of butts, which way do you think his organs are gonna come out? Because I’m betting mouth, but I’m hoping… GOKU: I get what you’re saying, but this is exactly what I’ve been planning out this whole time! PICCOLO: You? What could you possibly—? GOKU: Why do you think Gohan and I went into the Time Chamber *after* Vegeta and Trunks? PICCOLO: …Ego? GOKU: Because if Gohan and I came out first, we’d’ve killed Cell right away. But leaving that job to Vegeta? Well… I mean, you saw what happened. PICCOLO: I’m… confused, because it sounds like you *knew* Vegeta would screw up.
GOKU: Well, it was gonna be him or Krillin. PICCOLO: Oh my Go— B-b-but how did you know he wouldn’t just kill everyone after becoming perfect?! GOKU: I took care of *that* myself. Oh, and, uh… Cell? You’re gonna die. Cell would never pass that up… …because I wouldn’t. PICCOLO: Okay, but… but why Gohan? GOKU: Piccolo… I ain’t gonna be around forever. Sooner or later, death is gonna… Sooner or later, death is gonna… stick, y’know? So what then? Someone’s gotta be here when I’m not. And when I was in the Chamber with him, I realized that… that person… …is Gohan. PER. CELL: Listen to those bones crackling and popping… …so where’s the *snap*, kiddo?! GOHAN: PER. CELL: HA! Like father, like son! WAIT, NO! “Like father, like Son Gohan.” …Perfect. GOHAN : It was alright, Cell… PICCOLO: Well… …seems like you thought of almost everything. GOKU: I just treated it like one big fight. …Kinda like everything in my life.
PICCOLO: Unfortunately, you skipped one small detail. GOKU: Whuzzat? PICCOLO: *GOHAN DOESN’T LIKE FIGHTING, YOU MORON*!! GOKU : Whaaaat? Noooo… GOHAN: GOKU: I mean… GOHAN: GOKU: I mean… right? GOHAN: PICCOLO: Have you ever, in your life, actually asked your son what he likes? GOKU: Umm… …but he went in that Chamber with me for that whole year. PICCOLO: Because he wanted to spend time with YOU – his FATHER – the man who spends half his time training, and the other half dead! SOMETIMES BOTH! GOKU: I mean… …does anyone else— TRUNKS: Yeah, a little bit. KRILLIN: I mean… YAMCHA: Yeah. TIEN: Pretty hard to dispute. PER. CELL: Ehn, no one’s perfect! GOKU: I’ve made a terrible mistake. PICCOLO : “OH, I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!” That’s you! GOKU: Krillin, I need another Senzu bean. KRILLIN: Oh-ho-ho, no way, Gosé! GOHAN: GOKU: Krillin, I’m serious! I’m gonna use it on me this time! KRILLIN : “Krillin, I’m serious! I’m gonna use it on me this time!” That’s you. PER.
CELL: Uh, just a quick update, everyone; These are now tournament illegal. Uh, thank you. KRILLIN: Okay, that’s my B. GOKU: It’s alright, Krillin. This is everybody’s B. PICCOLO: I have done literally nothing wrong. TIEN: Yeah, join the club. YAMCHA: So there is a club. PER. CELL: I see now that not all roads lead to Rome. Torture won’t do the trick, so let’s change up the game plan, shall we? I’m going to drag each one of *them* down here and murder them until you finally give me what I want.
GOHAN: N-no, please! PER. CELL: It’s okay. I’ll save your dad for last. Hear that, Piccolo?! PICCOLO: I mean, if you’re just gonna say it— GOKU: I don’t get it. GOHAN: Stay away from—! PER. CELL: Sit down! This might take a while. ANDROID 16: ENOUGH! PER. CELL: SIXTEEN?! Listen, buddy, I’m thrilled that you’re finally coming around to me, but your timing is less than ideal! JIMMY FIRECRACKER: And the Jolly Green Ginger has got Cell in a bear hug! Everybody’s gettin’ love today, folks! KRILLIN: Bro-bot! Be careful! TRUNKS: Stop calling him that! KRILLIN: Don’t judge our robromance! PICCOLO: What is he doing? ANDROID 16: Within me is a high-yield nuclear explosive.
I am going to self-destruct and take Cell with me. …Also, probably most of you. That is my B. PER. CELL: I do not consent to this! ANDROID 16: Your compliance isn’t a factor. PER. CELL: You had a chunk of your head missing! How do you remember that?! KRILLIN: Wait! You don’t have to do this, bro-bot! You still have so much to live for! ANDROID 16: If I do not do this, Cell will continue to kill and destroy. …Also, I call dibs. If I cannot kill Goku, nobody will kill Goku! PER. CELL: We can split him, Sixteen! In half! Together! KRILLIN: Wow! ANDROID 16: You cannot talk your way out of this one, Cell.
My countdown has started. 10… JIMMY FIRECRACKER: What are the odds of outrunning a nuclear explosion? 10… JIMMY FIRECRACKER: What are the odds of outrunning a nuclear explosion? 10… 9… MISTER SATAN: FIND ME A BOMB SHELTER! 10… 9… MISTER SATAN: FIND ME A BOMB SHELTER! 10… 9… 8… MISTER SATAN: N-NO, A FRIDGE! 10… 9… 8… PER. CELL: You’re being really selfish right now! 10… 9… 8… PER. CELL: You’re being really selfish right now! 10… 9… 8… 7… PER. CELL: I hope you know that! 10… 9… 8… 7… PER. CELL: I hope you know that! 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Larry… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… JIMMY FIRECRACKER: One more time, for old times’ sake. 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… LARRY: “Where there’s smoke, there’s Firecracker,” sir. 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… LARRY: “Where there’s smoke, there’s Firecracker,” sir. 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… JIMMY FIRECRACKER: You’re goddamn right. 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… JIMMY FIRECRACKER: You’re goddamn right. 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… PER.
CELL: Noooo…! 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… 0! EVERYONE: -1! -2! Negative—! A critical error has occurred. Where’s the “kaboom”!? There was supposed to be a Cell-shattering “kaboom”! TRUNKS: Oh, right. My Mom said she took out your bomb during repairs! ANDROID 16: WHO GAVE HER THE RIGHT?! PER. CELL: Well, Sixteen, not that this long embrace hasn’t been heartwarming and all— my endorphins are just going crazy right now— but I have a child to break.
Now if I’m correct, you were looking for a… you were looking for a… “kaboom”? ANDROID 16: If I said “no”, would you still—? EVERYONE: KRILLIN: NOOOO! EVERYONE: LARRY / JIMMY / MISTER SATAN: BULMA: SON OF A… ! If I knew he was gonna go nuclear on Cell, I’d have left the stupid thing in him! MASTER ROSHI: Why’d you even take it out in the first place? BULMA: Are you joking?! Imagine if he decided to blow his payload the first time he saw Goku! Try explaining *that* to Chi-Chi! “Whoops, sorry I let your husband and child get nuked, but the Hippocratic oath and all that.” MASTER ROSHI: Bulma, I think you need to relax more. How’s about a brewski? BULMA: I’m still breast-feeding. MASTER ROSHI: Well, then, two of us are thirsty! BABY TRUNKS: MASTER ROSHI: You go, baby. BABY TRUNKS: Mmmmilk. PER.
CELL: Oh, Sixteen… …I wanted you to be the wind beneath my wings, but all you’ve done is take the wind out of my sails. Now I don’t even feel like killing these fools. GOHAN: D-does that mean—? PER. CELL: Yes, kiddo, I’m not going to kill your daddies. …*They are*. GOHAN: The implication being…? PER. CELL: GOHAN : …Oh, my God. PER. CELL: JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Ladies and gentlemen at home, the terrible Cell is now… …doing one of two things—I’m pretty sure we can’t show either on network television. PER. CELL: PICCOLO: I don’t understand! Where’s the egg?! PER. CELL: You did this to me! KRILLIN: “Life, uh… finds a way…” PER. CELL: You all did this to me! VEGETA: …to make me vomit! GOKU: Oh, this seems easy! I don’t get what Chi-Chi was complaining about! PER. CELL: Oh, good… alright. Augh, fantastic. That’s gonna be doing that the rest of the day. Goku, I’ve decided that your insistence on fighting your progeny would be best returned in kind. So behold: So behold: MY CHILDREN! Norio, Norio, Dameon, Norio, Dameon, Travis, Norio, Dameon, Travis, Curtis, Norio, Dameon, Travis, Curtis, Dale, Norio, Dameon, Travis, Curtis, Dale, and Jonathan.
Oh, and of course… Vegeta Junior… Vegeta Junior… Junior. VEGETA JR. JR.: Veeeegeeeetaaaa… VEGETA JR. JR.: Veeeegeeeetaaaa… VEGETA: It’s like every nightmare I’ve ever had fused into one, cloned itself, cloned itself, f***ed the clone cloned itself, f***ed the clone and then made THOSE! PICCOLO: That is… terrifyingly accurate(!) PER. CELL: Gather ’round, children. Daddy’s set up a play date for you! Now make sure you share your toys, don’t leave Daddy’s sight… …and bring me the bodies. GOHAN: PER. CELL: But most importantly, have fun! GOKU: Cell Juniors incoming! VEGETA: We are NOT calling them that! VEGETA JR. JR.: Vegeeeetaaaa… VEGETA: VEGETA JR. JR.: I’m fighting you. NORIO: You’re too slow! KRILLIN: Blue, blurry bastard! PER. CELL: Are they not precious, my own little family? Now after I’m through with this worthless little planet, I’ll have someone to accompany me as I trounce about the stars.
Perhaps I’ll try conquering Namek… …wear that hat for a little while. GOHAN: No… PER. CELL: Yeah, you’re right. That’s the Freeza talking. PICCOLO: So tell me, Goku: Where does THIS fit into your master plan?! GOKU: Well, you know what they say: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the—” TRAVIS: Wham, TRAVIS: Wham, bam, TRAVIS: Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am! GOHAN: P-Please! I take back what I said about my hidden power! I don’t wanna fight you! This is my Dad’s fight, not mine! So I’m begging you, just rein them in! Give my dad a Senzu bean and— PER. CELL: And there it is.
GOHAN: Huh? That right there… …*that* is why I *despise* you. You know what they all have in common? The Saiyans might be fools, the humans might be weak, and the Namekian might not belong… …but they’re still out there fighting. Not just for their lives, but for this *dung hill* of a world. KRILLIN: PER. CELL: See? Even Krillin’s doing his best! KRILLIN: Thanks for noticing! KRILLIN: Thanks for noticing! NGH! I-I really try! I-I really try! AGH! GOHAN: KRILLIN! PER. CELL: But none of them, boy— PER. CELL: But none of them, boy—NOT PER. CELL: But none of them, boy—NOT A PER. CELL: But none of them, boy—NOT A ONE— shares that trait with you so vile, it drives me to retch(!) You, Gohan… …are a coward. GOHAN: No… I’m just a pacifist! PER. CELL: So a coward patting himself on the back. Congratulations, pint-size, you can stand proud next to the bodies. YAMCHA: HI-YAH! …Please don’t break my arm. DAMIEN: Hmm… DAMIEN: Hmm… no. YAMCHA: My baseball career! JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Dear viewers, it looks like Cell’s gone full septo-mom, with seven sinister spawns! Mr.
Satan, do you have a plan to deal with these terrifying toddlers? These chilling children?! These… These… prepubescent predators?! MISTER SATAN: Uhh… …y’see, Jimmy, those aren’t actually children. They’re dwarves paid to fight on his behalf! And honestly, I bet you they ain’t even payin’ ’em industry rates! I tell ya, Jimmy, the way little people are treated in show business… oh, it’s downright criminal! I-I’m gonna go right now and look up their agents, and give ’em a piece of my— ANDROID 16: Excuse me.
MISTER SATAN: Yeep! ANDROID 16: Excuse me. ANDROID 16: I seem to be without a body. Would you mind lending me yours? LARRY / MISTER SATAN / JIMMY: ANDROID 16: Why are you screaming? LARRY / MISTER SATAN / JIMMY: JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Because you’re a talking head! ANDROID 16: So are you. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: That… JIMMY FIRECRACKER: That… is cutting, sir. ANDROID 16: I need one of you to give me a hand. I must get close to Cell and the boy, so one of you will need to get me there.
I believe that I know a way to finally put an end to this madness. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Are you crazy?! What makes you think we’re going anywhere *near* that war zone?! MISTER SATAN: I’ll do it. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan? MISTER SATAN: I have a daughter at home, Jimmy. A little girl about the age of that boy out there. And right now, I’m being told I might be able to save the world, and all I gotta do is throw this robot’s head in spitting distance of that crazy killer bug-monster? Sure… that may sound crazy— JIMMY FIRECRACKER: No, it’s definitely crazy. Larry? LARRY: I have been finding God throughout this entire experience. MISTER SATAN: Well then, who better to leave it to than the World Martial Arts champ, Mr.
Satan? And besides, what’d I tell you, Jimmy? …’s all a bunch o’ tricks. ANDROID 16: They are not. You could die. MISTER SATAN: Do you have a mute button or something? ANDROID 16: Not anymore. YAMCHA: PER. CELL: ‘Damien sure is kicking the shit out of Yamcha.’ YAMCHA: ‘It’s like a metaphor.’ ‘Ugh, he honestly doesn’t deserve this.’ ‘Mm, buuuut it’s still funny.’ GOHAN: Hey! PER. CELL: Hm? GOHAN: I’m gonna… GOHAN: I’m gonna… I’m gonna… …r-rip off your head and… …r-rip off your head and… umm— PER. CELL: Oh, yeah? C’mon, c’mon, you can do it. I believe in you. GOHAN: …and… GOHAN: …and… and defecate… PER. CELL: Mm-hm. Mm-hm. GOHAN: …on your… GOHAN: …on your… lunch? PER. CELL: Now you’re just embarrassing us both. Seriously, *how hard* is it to piss off an eleven-year-old?! You should be a stomping mess from me taking your toy away! Meanwhile, your friends and family are getting beaten into mulch, and all you can do is… …cry?? And now he’s *crying*?! *Are you SERIOUS*?! That’s it—kids, put your toys away.
We’re going home. GOHAN: Wait…! PER. CELL: And to be clear, I mean “kill them all so I can blow up this shithole and find something better to do”. Waste of my f***ing Sunday. GOHAN: Hold on! I’m just one step closer to the edge, and I’m about to—! PER. CELL: Everything! PER. CELL: Everything! You say to me! PER. CELL: Everything! You say to me! Is pissing me off! You had your chance, kid! And in the end… …it didn’t even matter. ANDROID 16: WAIT! ANDROID 16: WAIT! Ow. ANDROID 16: WAIT! Ow. Ow. PER. CELL: Hm? ANDROID 16: WAIT! Ow. Ow. Ow. GOHAN: Huh? ANDROID 16: Thank you for your assistance… MISTER SATAN: Don’t name me…! ANDROID 16: …Mr. Satan. PER. CELL: Kids, when you’re done with them, draw and quarter *that* buffoon. MISTER SATAN: PER. CELL: As for you, I’m surprised you’re still… …well, I was going to say “kicking”, but— ANDROID 16: Gohan. GOHAN: Huh? PER. CELL: Alright, fine, fine then. You talk to him, Jesus. GOHAN: Wha… GOHAN: Wha… what are you—? ANDROID 16: Grow. ANDROID 16: Grow. Up. GOHAN: …Huh? ANDROID 16: You act like you are the only one suffering, but I believe that Trunks has some stories for you.
And I can assume they all end with, “And then he died, too.” And before you start whining about your father, again—and I get it— take a moment to consider that my father made me a soulless killing machine to kill your father. And that doesn’t even come close to the complete tragedy of fatherhood that is Vegeta. VEGETA: You wanna come up here and say that?! ANDROID 16: I am a *head*. VEGETA: Then maybe you should quit while you are! ANDROID 16: Cell was right. You think you’re better than everyone else, but there you stand: the good man doing nothing. And while evil triumphs, and your rigid pacifism crumbles into blood-stained dust, the only victory afforded to you is that you stuck true to your guns. You were a coward… …to your last whimper. Of fear and love, I fear not that I will die, but that all I have come to love: the birds, the birds, and the things that are not birds, will perish with me.
So please… …Gohan… …stop holding back. And hey, if we do make it out of this, please pick up my head please pick up my head AND BEAT YOUR FATHER TO DEATH WITH— PER. CELL: I’d say he’s gone to a better place, but… …we both know he never had a soul. ♫ Venit aevus ille ♫ ♫ O Messiah, O Messiah ♫ ♫ O Messiah, O Messiah ♫ ♫ YUDULIYA~VELE ♫ ♫ YUDULIYA~VELE x2 ♫ PER. CELL: Hm? ♫ YUDULIYA~VELE x2 ♫ ♫ YUDULIYA~VELE x2 ♫ ♫ YUDULIYA~VELE x3 ♫ GOHAN: RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! ♫ YUDULIYA~VELE x3 ♫ GOHAN: RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! ♫ YUDULIYA IYALIYA ♫ GOHAN: RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! ♫ Feel it drawing nearer ♫ ♫ an endless fear that takes you hold ♫ ♫ Feel it getting closer ♫ ♫ revealing such an evil soul ♫ PICCOLO: …Gohan… ♫ I can’t surrender at the turning point of destiny ♫ ♫ Right now it’s do or die; my life is on the line and I will not flee ♫ ♫ By my power ♫ ♫ Whoa-whoa, it’s clear to me! ♫ ♫ My spirit grows and I will face this demon ♫ ♫ Whoa-whoa, with burning energy ♫ ♫ The day of fate has fin’ly come ♫
As found on Youtube